I used to have a tradition on New Years Eve of recapping the year for myself in my journal that fell by the way side, that I’ve picked back up tonight.
As I reflect back on this year, I am stunned. I’ve never had so many things fall into place and so much unexpected change in a year. This time last year I was in Thailand, loving my beach life, training up to play again at 43, not really sure what came ahead but with excitement and peace, and with so much inner angst cleared.
Everything goes back to that desperate move I made almost 5 years ago. People call it brave but it was the kind of brave that comes when you’re in a burning building and the only option you have left is to jump out of a window and hope for the best. I don’t know what’s in the air but I’ve gotten so emotional so often thinking about all of it lately. Acknowledging and processing the terror I felt and suppressed when we really didn’t know which way it was going to go in the weeks after coming forward. Emotions that got lost in the whirlwind of everything that happened after.
My main emotion however, has been gratitude for having made it through it in one piece. For living life for the first time without the cloud of trauma over me that I lived with even long before the events in the blog.
I still can’t believe how my life has changed since I came forward almost 5 years ago. I’m still processing so much of the whole experience. I don’t know how I got thru it. Well I do – namely I’ll be forever grateful that we were believed and supported. That so many were finally given a voice and validation to the horrific experiences that were endured on so many different levels. And because of that acknowledgement, a chance to heal and move forward.
I’m grateful for friends that have held my hand unwaveringly thru all of it. I’m grateful that I found myself and my voice after so many years of darkness and silence.
I’ve loved the book the Alchemist since I read it when I was 18. It talks about how the universe rewards us when we follow our heart, trust the universe and make big, brave moves. But first and foremost, every day I feel grateful for just simply feeling ok. Feeling at peace. Feeling proud looking myself in the mirror and knowing despite such a long, hard road that I always stood up when things weren’t right and never compromised my integrity once in my entire experience of soccer. No matter how high the stakes or how big the consequences.
The marketing machine of sport never tells you how much that peace is worth, and how deep it fills your soul, long after you leave the field.
And since that day almost 5 years ago, I marvel at how much has changed for the good. How many opportunities have come my way and how many things have fallen in place with the kind of serendipidity that screams at you that there’s a higher power guiding all of it. This opportunity with Treaty being a large one. I feel like there’s some magic coming with it and I’m just so grateful for the opportunity to make my little corner of the world something special. Something fun and light and full of integrity and love and good vibes and the platform to be your best self. Where kids, coaches, volunteers and fans are made feel safe. And that they matter. All the things that weren’t always a given in my experience.
So for those of you that have read this far, I now feel an immense amount of pressure to close with some nugget, rewarding you for your persistence. But in all seriousness, to everyone struggling as I was for so many years, please hang in there. There is hope. There is light. And sometimes rock bottom is the foundation where your biggest dreams can grow from.
Heading into 2024, I recognize how fragile our lives are, how important our inner peace is, how necessary our love and kindness to ourselves is, how important our friendships and family are and how important it is to hang on to the belief that there is light and magic even if you’re sitting beneath the darkest clouds.
With love and gratitude and all my best wishes for 2024,
Ciara
Essays on Life 